Armageddon: How to Know When to Bend Over and Kiss Your Derriere Good-bye

by Sandy Sand

Ya gotta love end of days speculation; it’s safe and so much more fun than the really serious stuff that’s going on.

It was “off with their heads” in the bad ol’ days in China for the emperor’s weather predictors when they were wrong. Drastic, but fitting wun’t ya say?
We could try the same thing with the predictors of Armageddon or end times, who are always wrong, and either really believe what they’re saying or they’re fabulous scam artists.

After reading many of Tim Cerantola’s postings on opednews.com about this subject, which seems to be one his favorites from which he draws many of his humorous, if not down right funny commentaries.

I’m pretty agnostic on end days theories, except that one day it all will end on Earth -- like in about 7.5 billion years, give or take a bill -- because everything in the universe has life cycles.

Given my end of time druthers, I vote for a comet hitting the Earth, but my head better be its target, because I don’t want to be around for the aftermath of the Yellowstone caldera blowing up; Kevin Costner’s world of water; or the desperately miserable world of Mad Max.

It’s going to be difficult enough to cope with California’s long overdue “big one” if it happens in my lifetime, no matter how many earthquake preparedness kits I have -- including one for the mutt.

Voila!

I figured out how we’ll know when the end of days are here so we can do the “kiss our butts good-bye” thing.

It’s really so simple and we don’t have to rely on bible predictions, the impossible, riddle-ridden quatrains of Nostradamus, the Mayans, the dreamy enlightenments of Edgar Cayce, or any other self-professed prognosticator.

Surprisingly, the answer to this quandary of when the world will end was supplied by none other than the people at the Discovery channels, and they don’t even know what a valuable service they did, because my theory wasn’t mentioned in any of last weekend’s shows when they devoted a couple of days to UFO and USO (Unidentified Submerged Objects) sightings.

The answer lies deep within the beings who inhabit the depths of our oceans and lakes.

G‘head, laff

But this is one mysterious sightings I can sink my cynical teeth into.
For millennia people have been reporting seeing mysterious lights and ships diving in and out of the depths.

Those kooks include Christopher Columbus, who documented several days worth of sightings in his ship’s log, and the Canadian Navy, which tracked a USO for a couple of days until it finally disappeared.

Assuming that USOs exist and have been visiting or living in our deep seas for ages, I figure the beings who are flying them are pretty smart.

Smart enough to avoid real, trackable detection, pretty much avoiding the paparazzi and are definitely savvy enough to not have been caught, because they know damn well what will happen if they are caught by Earthling idjuts.

They’ll be killed and dissected. Heaven forbid we should try to make nice and maybe learn something from them.

For all we know they were here long before us, and if they really exist, so far their intentions appear to be benign, because we can’t pin any mischief on them.
Well maybe the pyramids, the mysterious art work high in Peruvian Andes that can only be seen from the air, or the mysterious heavy-weight statues on that far off island in (I think) the Pacific.

Their existence could explain a lot.

Also, their avoidance of inter-action with us it another sign of their highly developed intelligence.

I’m mean, if you were a space alien, would you really want to bring one of us home to meet the parents?

Written in man-made stars

Here’s how we figure out the exact end days date.

In addition to the hundreds of satellites we have circling the planet along with all the space junk that’s destined to fall on our heads someday, we form a web of spy satellites to do nothing but monitor the oceans and lakes.

When we see the hundreds of USOs leave the safety of the watery depths for universal points unknown, we’ll know it’s not safe to stay here, and we should duck, run for cover and kiss our asses bye-bye.

For the fun of it: http://www.opednews.com/articles/The-End-of-the-World-Quiz-by-Tim-Cerantola-081227-567.html