Obama Names ‘The South Shall Rise Again’ President to Speak at Inauguration

by Sandy Sand

Feeling that Rick Warren wasn’t enough to prove he means what he says about talking with those with whom he disagrees, Barack Obama asked another controversial person to speak at his inauguration.

In an astonishing move that sent the country reeling and leaving most loquacious pundits speechless, President-elect Barack Obama invited the self-ordained preacherman and president of The South Shall Rise Again, Langford T. Rednecker, to give the second invocation at his inauguration.

Saying that he is passionately determined to bring together people of opposing views, Obama defended his choice of Rednecker to speak at the inauguration.
“It’s beside the point that Rednecker is a disgusting individual, who is still living in the 19th Century, and wants to re-enslave all African-Americans or kill us off and secede from the Union.

“This is still a free country and he’s free to express his opinions and goals no matter how outrageous and offensive they are,” Obama added, “everyone should have a place at the discussion table.”

In that light, Obama also said that after he’s sworn into office he will arrange for Warren and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to sit across the table from each other and have three cups of tea as suggested by radio talk host Thom Hartmann to discuss their differences.

At the end of the meeting Warren will immediately smite Ahmadinejad with his sword right across his throat.

Having called for the assassination of Ahmadinejad and finding no takers, in a prepared statement Warren will say: If you want to do something right, you have to do it yourself.

In keeping with Obama’s determination to expand meetings of un-like-minded people, he’s arranged for discussions among devotees of feng shui to meet with proponents of Chinese modern, French provincial and new wave ultra modern decorators, which he feels will prove to be very colorful.

He’s more than likely barking up the wrong tree in suggesting that dog people can meet with cat people and not scratch each others eyes out.

Separate cages will be needed for the zoo people versus the game park people.
Jerry Springer will moderate the debate between beer drinking, wife swapping trailer park trash and members of the Emily Post Society.

Jeraldo Rivera will anchor debates amongst chair-throwing political candidates.

Speculators agree that it will be a cold day in hell if lovers of chocolate ice cream can reach an accord with vanilla or strawberry lovers. Resolute that they are correct, fans of Chunky Monkey and Chubby Hubby have refused to participate.

In discussing the upcoming Difference of Opinion conferences, Obama Press Secretary B. Levy Mee, said no meetings will be scheduled between Cubs and Sox or Yankees and Mets fans.

“It’s just too dangerous,” Mee said.

Because of the recent shoe throwing incident in Iraq and the public outrage at Obama’s selection of the gay-woman-hating Warren and the black-hating, white supremacist Rednecker to give the invocations, the Secret Service has issued orders that all inaugural attendees will have their shoes Crazy glued to their feet.

Unprecedented “Get Out The Nuts” Vote Leads To Bachman Win in Minnesota

by Steve Young

After suggesting that Barack Obama had anti-American views in an exchange three weeks ago with MSNBC host Chris Matthews, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) told the American Psychiatric Journal Thursday that she was “extremely grateful that we have enough crazy people” in Minnesota who “sent a signal that nitwits have just as much belief in the American dream as people who have finished the fifth grade.”

In a bogus phone interview, Bachmann said she was gratified that voters in her district didn’t let the media intervene in the race, “by believing my actual hate-laden words.”

“If the liberal-elite-media would spend less time on gotcha facts and focus on the misinformation from radio talk shows perhaps we’d have a better country with less hatred and less people who look different than the America I remember.”

Bachmann who won by three points over Democratic challenger Elwyn Tinklenberg, also gave credit to her extremist support who showed that “racist Minnesotans were willing to take dragging people of color behind their pick-ups into the voting booth.”

“I think that’s a huge leap forward in the healing between Americans and people who say their Americans but obviously are different,” said Bachmann.

“We focused on three voting blocs of the Minnesotans who were totally ignored by Tinklenberg,” said Bachman strategy chief, David Duke.

“Those who would believe that anyone whose name ended in ‘berg’ could be related to Al Franken and his kind, those who have had their rights stripped away by the Civil Rights Act of 1964, and those who still needed help tying their shoes.”

“Hopefully now we can put all this bickering between Americans behind us and get on with the important business of country,” said Bachman. “Restoring the Dred Scot ruling.”

Breakdown of Bachmann Support
Stupids 35%
Racists 31%
Lobotomy Patients 6%
Anti-Semites 15%
Militias 22%
Deaf 6%
O’Reilly Folks™ 11%
Institutionalized 13%
Lucid (39%)

Steve Young is and comedy writer, award winning author and posts at the appropriately named steveyoungonpolitics.com